I was watching a show called Girls because apparently I have run out of shows to power watch. I am in summer break and instead of using my spare time wisely, I am sitting in my room clicking play episode after episode. Season 2, episode 8 catches my attention. A specific line that Marnie Michaels says when she walks through the door from her hostess job and complains to Ray.
"Charlie is living the dream. I thought he was going to be broken for like at least 6 years and i like mentally budgeted 6 years of brokenness. He’s not broken at all! And it just proves to me like it doesn’t matter how right you do things because you know who will end up living their dream are sad messes like charlie. and people who end up flailing behind are people like me who have their shit together."
I should be outside, getting my myself out there—be more productive! But instead I am sitting on my butt because I am overwhelmed with the idea of how much effort i need to put into getting myself out there but it is all just a risk because I don’t believe I will ever amount to anything great. I am told that I have talent and I should have this talent of mine recognized but I don’t know how and I don’t know where to begin. It has been two years and I feel like I have not gotten anywhere at all. I guess I am impatient that things don’t happen over night or soon enough; and I have very low self esteem to even carry myself through this dry time of my life. And if I’m not doing anything I might as well keep practicing. But what is the point in that if I’ll run out of supplies and won’t even get to do any real gigs because I don’t have any paying gigs?
I need to get my shit together.
So in my Still Life Drawing class I have been drawing nude people and to my surprise, it was pretty fun. I do not meant to sound perverted or anything. I just enjoy obversational drawings. It’s “my thing.” So this is pretty much the only assignments I’ve liked throughout the entire quarter.
In a way it encourages me to do body painting charts for future ideas with this new makeup challenge I am setting myself with.
I’m not finding school very interesting. I don’t feel like I’m being challenged as how I would challenge myself on my own doing my face and body painting challenges. But it is what it is, and as WInston Churchill said once, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.” Maybe something good will come of this.
So school has kept me quite busy. But it is so exciting because I only have pure art classes this quarter. Everything there is still a work in progress so sometime soon I’ll post some assignments I’ve been working on. If anyone wants to be a model for me, let me know so I can see if I have some free time to work with you.